离校倒计时——（4）
离校倒计时——（4）
平生抽的第一根烟，是在我10岁的时侯。那天我起的比较早，家里的人都还在睡觉，我来到客厅，桌上放着一包打开的烟，我抽出一根，用火柴点着吸了，一点儿也不害怕会被家人看到，真的，一点儿都不害怕。我就在桌上摆放的父亲的照片前抽完了这根烟，没有什么特别，不像现在吸猛了，会有晕晕忽忽的感觉。前一天，父亲刚刚被火化，大家都比较疲倦。
然后过了一段很长很长的时间未再碰烟，一直到高二。 学习比较忙，加上初恋，特别难熬，于是在住校同学的率领下开始吸烟。一开始聚众吸烟的地点是学校里的小树林，课间或放学后，几个学生就窝在那儿吸，其中住校生居多，家里的人管不着嘛。当时不能像现在这样能够品出烟的优劣，要的只是偷偷摸摸吸一口、吐一口的感觉。校方也发现有学生抽烟，突袭过几次，反正没逮着过我，但小树林已经不再安全，停了一阵子没抽。但有时候确实闷地受不了，特别是周末的晚上，不想看书，就偷偷的上街买烟。买烟的时侯是非常紧张的，因为还是孩子模样嘛，事先把零钱备好，当然已经知道那包烟要多少钱，去到烟摊，指了指要的烟，付了准备正好的钱，拿了就走，尽量减少在烟摊前的时间，回家后，就把烟藏在阁楼里。现在想想，那过程就像买毒品似的。是的，17、8岁是非常危险的年纪，真的难以想像，如果当时有人提供毒品给我，我该怎么办？我一定会犹豫、动摇，说不定就吸了。
这种情况在上班后出现过一次，那时，我刚去医院，在宿舍住，收拾抽屉的时侯，在一个角落发现一只杜冷丁，估计是以前住这间房的人上班时偷着带回的（现在对这些成瘾性药品管理都很严，用完后，必须上交剩下的安玻瓶。天天交班核实数字），我就把它收好。多少次，我看着它，想把它注射进我的体内，体验一下正常情况下无法获得的快感，但每一次，我的理智都战胜了好奇，终于有一天，我把这个恶魔扔了。
回到高中时的抽烟，从在小树林吸发展到自己买烟带回家抽，那是不寻常的一步，危险也增添了很多。我一般选择深夜，等妈妈睡着后，把灯关上后，在窗前，然后点着烟，一口口的把烟吐出窗外，避免烟味留在家里，第二天被妈妈闻着。其实，抽烟的时侯，我必定在想着一些问题，但我现在忘了，我当时在想着什么？一定会比较深刻。
突然想起来，很多时侯，我就在深夜里，点根烟，吸着，同时，在黑暗中默默地看着另一个人。真的，不骗你，看着一个人，就是住我楼下的她。
我们打小一起长大，在一个小学，一个年级，但不在一个班。我们一起上学，一起玩耍，分享食物，还分享过一个秘密。记得好像是4年级时侯，我们在2、3楼之间的公共阳台上玩，她突然把手伸进从阳台角落的一个陶罐，从里面掏出一个小乌龟，对我说，这是昨天她爷爷在河边抓到的，我可以把它拿出来玩，但不能跟别的小朋友说，就我俩知道。那一刻，我就觉得我们的关系不同寻常，所以到现在还没忘记这个情节。但我一直没有把乌龟拿出来玩，因为我不敢把手伸进那个黑咕隆咚的陶罐里去抓它。
初中时，我们上了不同的中学，不能同路了，时不时碰到还非常高兴。突然有一天，感觉是突然有一天，威力无比的荷尔蒙摧毁了这种美好、单纯的友谊，性意识一夜间觉醒，我们之间不再说话，MD，青春期来了。但经常会相遇，毕竟是邻居嘛。也只擦肩而过，只有眼神的短暂交流、心跳的加速和瞬时的眩晕。我们就这样一次次的相遇，一次次的紧张，一天天的长大，我觉得她越来越漂亮，哎，越来越漂亮。我深刻的记得，第一次的那个梦的对象就是她。初恋让我深刻地体会到爱的痛苦，我到现在都不知道这段折磨我6年感情是暗恋还是相恋，根本没机会去问她。但我不忘后来当她看到我和女友在一起时的眼神。
哦，我还没说我怎么能在黑夜看到楼下的她。
当时我家住的公寓楼和现在的没什么两样，整个楼层的结构是一样的。她就住在我的楼下，我们学习的桌子都位于窗口。我天天都能很清楚的看到她在灯下学习的样子，按理说我们平行，理论上我不容易看到她，除非把头使劲伸出窗外才有可能。但，碰巧的是，我们这栋公寓的对面有一幢较旧的3层楼，对面也有一扇玻璃窗户，那家很少有人。每到夜晚，我只要抬头，就能借助那块玻璃的反光看到楼下的她在台灯下学习的模样，从光学的角度分析，她只要抬头，看看对面那块玻璃，也能看到楼上的我。我从没问过她，有没有看到过我，这是个永远的谜。
这一看，就是6年。有时候，我也在夜晚，对着窗外，放一些歌曲，比如什么“午夜里的收音机，轻轻传来一首歌……”，比如“爱到尽头，覆水难收……”，有一次，听到她在楼下哭，估计和家人闹别扭了，我就放了一首“不要再流泪，我亲爱的宝贝，孤单的时侯，学着顽皮地嘟个嘴……”，音量适中，不能扰民，我想她应该能够听到，直线距离也就2-3米嘛。就这样在令人发指的苦闷中度过6年，直到我上大学离开了家。离家即意味着解放，随即找了个女友，就是我现在的妻子。
当然，时不时还会想到她。她现在会是什么模样？还漂亮吗？过的如何？她知道我当时那么喜欢她吗？当然，还时不时想到对面的那块玻璃，让我的青春期没有虚度，还有那么一点回忆。
又岔了，回到烟。记得有一次抽烟差一点被妈妈抓到，或者已经被妈妈抓到。那是一个白天，妈妈上班了，我放心的在窗口抽烟。突然门钥匙一响，我想，完了，妈妈提前回家了。立即把手里的烟扔出窗外，但房间里还弥漫着一点烟雾，这一点烟雾就足够了。妈妈推了门，看到我，望了一下房间，那眼神充满怀疑和失望，但什么话也没说，关上门就走了，后未再提起此事，好像没发生过一样。那个眼神我永远没忘，感谢我那无比宽容的母亲，自那一刻起，我就再也没在家里抽过一根烟。
长期在外，寂寞难耐，烟，于是又回到我的身边，陪我度过仿佛青春期时的苦闷夜晚。现在每每一个人在楼道吸烟时，似乎能面对一个真实的我，阴郁、孤独。
作为医生，深知吸烟之害，但又不得已为之。只有少抽点，每次买烟之间的时间隔长点。我现在基本只抽扁555，和烟店老板熟了，他都从锁着的柜子里拿出走私的卖给我。上个星期，买烟的时侯，老板对我说，这种555快没了，烟草专卖局马上从正规渠道提供555，价格是现在的2倍。于是，我彻底堕落了，一狠心，买了一条，这是我第一次买整条烟。
赶快让我回家吧，家里有我妈妈，那么我就可以不再吸烟啦。
我发现你是真的、非常有趣。
你抽烟的经历，让我想起我的那些学生，他们也是这么过来的。偷偷摸摸的，怕被老师和家长抓到。
不过，现行的我一次没抓到过。但我却能掌握谁在抽烟，并让他们主动招了。事后，学生们总会问我是怎么知道的。当然，我说那是个秘密。
@spanishcastle
谢谢
我发现你是真的、非常的班主任 ^_^
生活总是大过想象。。好啊yanhu。。
@fenghua
生活总是大过想象。。
～～～～～～
我觉得想象总是大过生活啊，因为我天天闲的胡思乱想，我的生活单调的你无法想象
好啊 fenghua ^_^
你们高中还那么小心啊。我们那时候，校门口，往茶摊儿哪儿一坐，一人买一根地抽。早就明目张胆了啊。出了校门，老师就管不着了。
@起子
你们胆子也忒大了吧，到现在，我一般都是躲着抽。
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